“Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle, some nights I wish they’d just fall off.” – Fun
I sit up, waking from another one of my nightmares. I don’t scream though. It is as though I don’t have the will to do so anymore. My voice is 6 feet under. Initially, the place where my heart wants my body to be. My spirit is raging, for it wants freedom. It craves love but its dented. Dented from sources that it trusted it’s heart with. Was I blind? Was I sick? Was I holding on too tight? The spots on my heart are too strong. Only hidden by the darkness of this room. The room where all my nightmares begin. The walls that hold more of my stabbing secrets than any of the humans I exist around. The only peace I find is with my eyes open and the lights out. There are still days when I don’t have nightmares. But those nights, he infiltrates my dreams. Sense doesn’t make sense to me.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I want to be. Who I want to be with. All I know is, all the doors are closing in on me. All I understand is, I’m not liked in places, crowds are not my friends. People? They’re my worst enemies. I’m vulnerable. I’m forcefully exposed in places and to people who are not who they say they are, who don’t want to see me for who I am. I hear people say everyday, “you’re pretty good at conversations,” or “you’re so easy to talk to”. There’s only one word that would answer that; loneliness. It was easy for me to make friends because I was willing to bend in ways that people would have liked me to. They say the fear of being left alone makes you take drastic steps. It truly does. You lose yourself. It does little to help you though. Bending for everyone only makes you lose your balance. So much so that you can’t even stand for yourself.
Look at me now. I’m sitting in this dark room again. All alone. Cradling myself for there’s no one around me to sooth me. No one to tell me they’re there for me. No one likes damaged goods. No one hears the cries of a mouth sealed shut. By their own indiscretions. And since closing my eyes is painful, all I can do is hear the clock tick my life away and stare into dark nothingness. Better known as what I foresee my future to be. I don’t know or understand much. He’s taken over my nightmares and blurred my dreams to a point where I don’t see my future. All I see is myself slowly getting poisoned. By my own personal demons. My body is not in my control as it shivers with the fear. I can’t do a thing as sobs erupt from my core terrifying my already trembling body with their force. One little drop, and I’ll break. Beyond repair. Into pieces I can not collect for myself. I don’t have the strength to do it for anyone else, not anymore. And so, I’ll become my worst fear. A broken and isolated soul that was just another ordinary creation of this world.
“The other night you wouldn’t believe I just had a dream about you and me. I called you up but we’d both agree, it’s for the best you didn’t listen. It’s for the best we get our distance…” – Fun
You were my first love. You will be my last one. Your voice was one of the very first I ever heard… And every cell in my body dances to the beat of it for you breath life into me. Ever since I was a child, I used to joke around that I loved you more than I loved Ami. Today, I’m telling you that I honestly, truly did. And I think I will even do so forever. The best moments of my life have been spent with you. Even though they might have not been huge, some of them even turned out to be better than the big ones.
What changed? Nothing. That would be the answer to all your feelings of regret. Every night when I fall asleep, I see your face. And there are nights that your face appears to be disturbed. Those are the nights I find it hardest to sleep. I fear losing you. I fear not waking up to your smile. It means a lot to me. Your smile brings me hope. For myself, for you and for this dark world. I think of it in the toughest of my days. I vision it when I’m unsure of being myself.
Sometimes, when I see you distraught, it breaks me. You have so much to worry about and you work yourself out. I want to assure you, this world is big. So are the opportunities. Life is too complicated to cause yourself all the pain you do and we or at least I want you to know that I’m here to share it with you. Even though I may be hard to understand, I want you to know that I understand. I feel strong enough to feel your pain when I see your disturbed sleep. I see things concentrated enough to know everything that might be a cause for a bother to you. I may not seem to be there for you always but you are the centre of my world.
Finally, I want you to know that no matter what happens, you’ll always find comfort by me because I may not seem as much to you, but I’m more than enough to take away all your miseries, be it temporarily. And that I’ll never do anything that would hurt your feelings or hopes or expectations, intentionally.
Happy Father’s Day! Thank you for being my father
We did it. Finally. Adam and I. Against all odds, we got married. Signed the papers, said our vows. It’s done. Although I fear it’s not over yet. Yet he makes me feel safe. He says he’ll protect me. From the barrier between my dreams. He says he’ll protect me from him. We say our goodbyes to all those who came to celebrate with us and thank them for their blessings. We need them. I need them. If one thing life has taught me, not to believe in love. For there is a greater force called fate that controls us. So I gave him my hand, not my heart. For I can trust him to protect my body but my heart can not bear being man-handled.
Inside our honeymoon suite, we sit side by side sparing slow and short glances towards each other as our eyes meet momentarily. I wonder how he feels. I wonder if he too, like the others, has a beast inside of him just waiting to be called out. I wonder if he knows I didn’t marry him for his love. I married him for his promise. I married him for my own selfish security reasons. I bid farewell to my family home for I wanted to live. I didn’t want to constantly fear the knife that was forever hovering over my neck. He drove me away from my own home. Now I’m here, away from my past and beside my future.
As I’m about to open my mouth to speak his does to. And the slight tension is cleared as we both let out a chuckle. ‘You go first’ I say as his words coincide with mine. Another wave of laughter crosses the two of us as he smiles at me. I tell him I’m going to change and he nods as I walk away from him. Inside the bathroom, I feel an unsettling presence behind me. Like a shadow that’s following me. More specifically, his shadow. I run out to Adam as he looks at me worried. I tell him what I saw and he brings me into his embrace whispering phrases of reassurance into my ears. He pulls away as he stares into my eyes and says “There is nothing to be afraid of as long as I’m beside you,” followed a peck on my colored lips. It brings an uninvited smile and he takes it as a sign to do it again. His lips against my own make me forget the world around us.
As I’m too preoccupied by the heat that surrounds us, I feel hands go around my throat, slowly and casually taking my breath away. I pull away from the kiss to see him stand where my husband was. His malicious smile as I struggle to breathe drains all my strength to scream for help. I’m slowly slipping in and out of conscious as a knife is jabbed inside my stomach and the last words I hear before I black out are; “Welcome to the rest of your life!”
I feel someone shake me awake and as I open my eyes I see myself back in my home surrounded by my brothers and father who’s chanting panicked questions of my safety and well-being. I can’t help but be demented for he was right here. “Who was?” I frown up at him as I look around frantically. “There’s nobody here, it was all a dream.” He calms me.
As I settle down, he informs me of a cousin from a bit far coming to stay with us. I nod as he invites him inside the room. “Susan, meet Danny.” It’s him. It really is him. I struggle to keep a straight face as he breaks into a smile. The same sadist smile that was in my dream. As my father leaves to attend a call, he looks me straight in the eye and whispers, “It’s not a dream darling. It’s a nightmare. I’ll say it one more time, Welcome to the rest of your life.”
In life, we go through different stages. We meet different people. We experience different situations. They make us who we are. We meet good people and bad people. Good people are the once that leave an impression. Bad people leave an influence. There’s a third type, they don’t just “leave”. They embed their selves into your being. They become a part of you. Unknowingly. And their physical presence isn’t even there. Just the feeling of them. And it’s closer to you than you yourself ever were. But then you feel it drift away. If that isn’t the most agonizing occurrence. It makes you feel like this is it. It’s harder than your soul leaving you. It’s more hurtful than seeing someone you love go away. You never really had that person around you but they were everywhere. In everything. And somehow, you’re left helpless. That being inside of you, made you up. Became your strength when life failed you time and time again. It never ends does it? Every night, when you couldn’t sleep, the knowledge of them being fine lulled you. That feeling is gone. All feelings are gone. Only a constant pit in your stomach, almost as if that was their place in here. How does one deal with it? We’re not perfect. We’re humans. We can’t change fate. We can’t always get what we want. The good people prescribe you to stay away from the bad. The bad people teach you ways to get what you want. Why doesn’t anyone ever teach us of the third type of people?The type that are the most dangerous. All of us have been through the same world with the same feet yet we all wear different shoes. These shoes make us forget ourselves. They make us material making us forget our inner selves. The part of us that craves for affections not affiliations. The part that needs appreciations not dressings. When will we realize? Will we ever learn? Will we ever grow?
It hurts. These aches… They feel foreign. Almost unfortunate. They exist. And I let them. I have yet to figure out how not to. I feel weak. Drained. Void. I can not learn how not to. I can not figure out how to save myself. I’m afraid of my own being. I’m unsure of my existence. I can’t help but feel again and again that I’m the one who tied these chains around me. I can’t help but feel like I am drowning. Going down the pit of darkness. Going further apart from myself and in a dimension of my own. These stings are a constant reminder of my misery. I tried so hard and I failed. And I keep failing. I keep hurting. I keep forgetting that my life is just a shell of aches and scars and burns. I may not have them on me for display. But they are etched on my soul. Engraved very carefully so as to reach all depths. Every corner of my sanity. Gripping everything that makes me who I am. I loved all the wrong people. I depended on all the lies that made my stable mind. But now I have no where to go. No more lies to depend on. No more love to smile about. I feel broken. Inside out. In every shade, I feel invisible. Now I know… I’m sure of it… I can no longer hold it. I can no longer hold myself. I can no longer secure my pride. I am broken. Every angle. Every dimension. Every mirror. All show me only the shreds that are left of my being. So please tell me this is just a dream, cause I’m really not fine at all…
I’m falling again. My most dreaded fear. Falling for you. The little balance I gained over the past ten months, I’m losing it. I don’t want to lose you though. I never wanted to. I never will. But I did. I lost bits and pieces of you. Again and again. In the rush of these busy gushes of winds. In the fog of my insecurities. In the mist of everyone’s misconceptions. Honesty sprouts new realities every time it is addressed in relation to you. Pain ignites new flames that burn my heart and mind from different dimensions everyday. But your love… It is the worst of all. It consumes me; mind, body, soul, heart. It captivates me in invisible chains. Inescapable ropes and the walls that surround me, push me into your direction. But you aren’t much but a mirage. I see you so clearly when I’m far away but as I get close, there is nothing. Not even way for me to exit. The walls I thought pushed me towards you, were only closing in on me. It was all an illusion. And I went along with it. And I still go along with it every single dour. I build myself up, I hold on to the walls, they push me towards you, you vanish and I’m left confined. And after every cycle, this room gets smaller and smaller. Digging a deeper hole for me to lose myself in. Save me before it eats me up please. Save me before these walls crush me. Save me before I break. Finally, Save me before it’s too late for to be saved… For I’ll be waiting. I will fall victim to these blows every time merely because they delude me with the presence of you…
Is it really easy to say goodbye? You never did love me so why do I find it so hard to hate you? You say things that hurt. Have actions enough to stab my heart. Why do I still care? Why are you the only reason for my destruction? And still the sole reason for my happiness? I used to say my fate was sealed, I was bound to feel for you because of who I saw you to be. Hallucinations. Mere hallucinations. I won’t lie and say you weren’t who I thought you were. You were exactly that. And more. But that isn’t enough is it? My hallucinations made this illusion that all those things were for me. Time and time again, I fell for you. Time and time again, you broke me.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, joke’s on me. The one saying that sums the entirety of my situation. I am afraid to face anyone. For I am not this person. A friend the other day made me realize that I was exactly what I told everyone not be. “Love yourself for who you are, don’t change for anyone. If they don’t like you, move away. You will find acceptance elsewhere.” My dearly beloved human, I have become this person I hate myself to be. I don’t know where I belong. I changed for you. My previous being comes to me in heaps of nightmares. Every day I wake up, I be this person that I became for you, because of you. I watch as you ignore my existence as if I’m not even close to your next best thing. And I break every night. I fall apart. I drown in your rejection. Your selfishness. Your inconsiderate glances.
I want to hate you. I want nothing more than to hate you. Considering that might be my only way to get over you. You leave me little other choice. You were perfect. You were everything I ever could have wanted. But somewhere in the middle of it all, I forgot. I forgot that you weren’t mine for the wanting. Weren’t mine for the loving. Weren’t mine in any sense or practice. I’m sorry. I’m deeply sorry for being selfish. But weren’t you doing the same? Time and time again you used me to your liking. Disposed me off when it suited you and fixed it all up when it suited you. Should be pretty hard to love you, no? Then why isn’t it? Why is it almost impossible not to? I’ve come too far. Too far to turn back now. For the most of it, It’s not a choice anymore. Or at least it feels as though it isn’t. I’m not strong. Not anything close to that word. I’ve fallen apart. And I don’t know how I’m going to grow out of it, put the pieces back together. I’m scared of so much. Getting back out in the real world? My main fear is, facing you again, falling for you again, and finally, you not being there to catch me again.
Thank you, for the worst year of my life. For more tears than I care to admit I harness. For changing me into this human that doesn’t fit anywhere. I’m not sure if you’re aware of the impact you’ve had on me. Probably not. But you and I both know it doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is, you have her. And I’m left deserted again. Shallow, tired, thirsty. And I have nowhere to turn to tend to my thirst. To rest. You took my peace away. And I have come to realize that, there is nothing that you, me or anyone could do to bring that back.
One and the same. All of us. We’re all the same. We all bleed the same red blood, cry the same wet tears, even breathe the same air. But sadly, you cannot expect from the world. We, as humans, may be similar but it’s every man for himself. I had been taught that that’s not how it is. Oh boy, they say even the most experienced can be wrong. They aren’t wrong. It’s the way life twists around them and unravels the brutality is that they are left wronged. What happened to the perfection that we call childhood? What happened that broke those who made me? The people who taught me that once you take a step, the world will be with you have been forced to tell me to be a person for myself. How the other people who made me smile have turned into the ones who cannot bare the sight of my smile? I feel lost in every sense and meaning. I don’t know if even my own blood is worth trusting. I wished to know what my fault was. Turns out. When looking for blame, every step you take can turn into a flaw and fault. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Maybe that is the answer to my question of why I find comfort in the secluded grasps of the dark. And maybe, that’s where I’m bound to be. For the brightness of the lights is a greater push towards it than the chains that pull me towards it…
Again and again and again. We keep taking turns. End up in the same place. Never moving on. Never getting away. Never stop hurting. Never not taking the blame. How do you deal with it? How do you overcome it? How do you move? Up or on… It’s so hard to resist. But you keep telling yourself. It’ll get better. Life will be different. The world will turn. The darkness will go. Does it really? Yes the world does turn. But we often forget. It doesn’t just turn and stop. It keeps turning. Circles of darkness and light. In some places, dark more than light. Could it really change? Can we change the way the world turns? Nope. How does it make you feel? How does it help you cope? No one else can answer that for you. And sometimes, you don’t have the answer for yourself. What then? Lost. In every sense and meaning. Without any goodbyes. It’s just the physical presence left. Sometimes. Others, it’s too battered and bruised to show. Just like your heart, soul and thoughts. It’s scary. To the world, to one’s self. See thing is, we all like to cause. But barely ever want to face. Should we really still have to? Bitter realities. They show. It doesn’t matter how. But they show. And when they do, the light is too burning bright to not blind you. The blindness, often if not always, turns into denial. And it is said that denial is one’s greatest enemy in disguise. Mostly because the fact that tomorrow or later, the reality hits you. It loosens the grips of uncertain gush of emotions around you. They surround you. Cover you in their aura. Force the reactions out of you. Make you burst. Into a million tiny little irredeemable pieces. And your sanity is just… Gone, gone, gone.
The valleys in which my heart resides, have been raided. The streets that hold my most precious thoughts, have been destroyed. My mind is deranged. My world has fallen. Pieces of myself are what I collect every hour from my day as they fall every minute. No more reason. Logics, understandings, explanations… None matter. I’m only left open to my own vulnerability. I’m left looking for my own peace. I’m turned towards my own self in need of some closure. Couldn’t be more wrong when I thought our lives don’t really get better. They don’t. It’s just our feelings. They get less and less magnified as we learn to adopt the situations. We grow around our difficulties. But the ratio of growing difficulties and growing ourselves is not very equal. So, eventually the weight of these hardships press our growth under the roughest of rocks. And it stops. And just right there and then, you find the end. The end to it all. You become immortal. The immortality of the darkness. Sadly, immortality isn’t an everyday thing. It’s not a choice. Just like, changing someone else’s life decisions isn’t for us to do. I hope there was a way to move on. I hope there was a way to move away. I hope I could let it go. I hope I didn’t have to live with it. I hope wasn’t awfully intrigued by the immortality of drakness. I hope, I wish and I pray, I could let it all go. I could let him go. I could walk with only one person holding my arm. I didn’t need him for my own existence. But unluckily, he’s walking away again. He’s killing me again. He’s taking the short route out. Leaving me stranded on this long everlasting road on a journey to the land of the darkness.