“Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle, some nights I wish they’d just fall off.” – Fun
I sit up, waking from another one of my nightmares. I don’t scream though. It is as though I don’t have the will to do so anymore. My voice is 6 feet under. Initially, the place where my heart wants my body to be. My spirit is raging, for it wants freedom. It craves love but its dented. Dented from sources that it trusted it’s heart with. Was I blind? Was I sick? Was I holding on too tight? The spots on my heart are too strong. Only hidden by the darkness of this room. The room where all my nightmares begin. The walls that hold more of my stabbing secrets than any of the humans I exist around. The only peace I find is with my eyes open and the lights out. There are still days when I don’t have nightmares. But those nights, he infiltrates my dreams. Sense doesn’t make sense to me.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I want to be. Who I want to be with. All I know is, all the doors are closing in on me. All I understand is, I’m not liked in places, crowds are not my friends. People? They’re my worst enemies. I’m vulnerable. I’m forcefully exposed in places and to people who are not who they say they are, who don’t want to see me for who I am. I hear people say everyday, “you’re pretty good at conversations,” or “you’re so easy to talk to”. There’s only one word that would answer that; loneliness. It was easy for me to make friends because I was willing to bend in ways that people would have liked me to. They say the fear of being left alone makes you take drastic steps. It truly does. You lose yourself. It does little to help you though. Bending for everyone only makes you lose your balance. So much so that you can’t even stand for yourself.
Look at me now. I’m sitting in this dark room again. All alone. Cradling myself for there’s no one around me to sooth me. No one to tell me they’re there for me. No one likes damaged goods. No one hears the cries of a mouth sealed shut. By their own indiscretions. And since closing my eyes is painful, all I can do is hear the clock tick my life away and stare into dark nothingness. Better known as what I foresee my future to be. I don’t know or understand much. He’s taken over my nightmares and blurred my dreams to a point where I don’t see my future. All I see is myself slowly getting poisoned. By my own personal demons. My body is not in my control as it shivers with the fear. I can’t do a thing as sobs erupt from my core terrifying my already trembling body with their force. One little drop, and I’ll break. Beyond repair. Into pieces I can not collect for myself. I don’t have the strength to do it for anyone else, not anymore. And so, I’ll become my worst fear. A broken and isolated soul that was just another ordinary creation of this world.
“The other night you wouldn’t believe I just had a dream about you and me. I called you up but we’d both agree, it’s for the best you didn’t listen. It’s for the best we get our distance…” – Fun