Is it really easy to say goodbye? You never did love me so why do I find it so hard to hate you? You say things that hurt. Have actions enough to stab my heart. Why do I still care? Why are you the only reason for my destruction? And still the sole reason for my happiness? I used to say my fate was sealed, I was bound to feel for you because of who I saw you to be. Hallucinations. Mere hallucinations. I won’t lie and say you weren’t who I thought you were. You were exactly that. And more. But that isn’t enough is it? My hallucinations made this illusion that all those things were for me. Time and time again, I fell for you. Time and time again, you broke me.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, joke’s on me. The one saying that sums the entirety of my situation. I am afraid to face anyone. For I am not this person. A friend the other day made me realize that I was exactly what I told everyone not be. “Love yourself for who you are, don’t change for anyone. If they don’t like you, move away. You will find acceptance elsewhere.” My dearly beloved human, I have become this person I hate myself to be. I don’t know where I belong. I changed for you. My previous being comes to me in heaps of nightmares. Every day I wake up, I be this person that I became for you, because of you. I watch as you ignore my existence as if I’m not even close to your next best thing. And I break every night. I fall apart. I drown in your rejection. Your selfishness. Your inconsiderate glances.
I want to hate you. I want nothing more than to hate you. Considering that might be my only way to get over you. You leave me little other choice. You were perfect. You were everything I ever could have wanted. But somewhere in the middle of it all, I forgot. I forgot that you weren’t mine for the wanting. Weren’t mine for the loving. Weren’t mine in any sense or practice. I’m sorry. I’m deeply sorry for being selfish. But weren’t you doing the same? Time and time again you used me to your liking. Disposed me off when it suited you and fixed it all up when it suited you. Should be pretty hard to love you, no? Then why isn’t it? Why is it almost impossible not to? I’ve come too far. Too far to turn back now. For the most of it, It’s not a choice anymore. Or at least it feels as though it isn’t. I’m not strong. Not anything close to that word. I’ve fallen apart. And I don’t know how I’m going to grow out of it, put the pieces back together. I’m scared of so much. Getting back out in the real world? My main fear is, facing you again, falling for you again, and finally, you not being there to catch me again.
Thank you, for the worst year of my life. For more tears than I care to admit I harness. For changing me into this human that doesn’t fit anywhere. I’m not sure if you’re aware of the impact you’ve had on me. Probably not. But you and I both know it doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is, you have her. And I’m left deserted again. Shallow, tired, thirsty. And I have nowhere to turn to tend to my thirst. To rest. You took my peace away. And I have come to realize that, there is nothing that you, me or anyone could do to bring that back.