Dread, guilt, pain? They were birds of a feather. Torn and withering down under the flames of what we call life. For every time she said no, and for every time that he withdrew in the name of fear, a part of her drowned in guilt. For every time someone told her not to, and for every excuse either of them made, a fragment of her deluded world came crashing apart. Reality had always been her greatest enemy but he wasn’t supposed to be it. Slowly, he colored every faded wall and she fell for it. Every color painted by him, became her definition. Whatever reasons she had to cry, faded as he became the reason to smile. To wake up every morning and think, “Hey! It’s a new day!” and most importantly, “Another day to love and feel loved.” To the point where falling asleep to listening to him and waking up to his words became the routine. In an imperfect world, it was her perfection. He was perfection. But the truth is, nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same. And so, before anything else, it ruined. Burned into ashes by the same flame that it was lit by. It happened, yes. However short-lived, it was perfect. They say when you’re committed to someone, you don’t allow yourself to look for perfection in someone else. If you somehow did, it just means you weren’t committed. And just like every other thing, every other promise and every other whim, he wasn’t hers to have. Crashing back to reality seems to be the hardest. But in those very moments of crashing, she realized something, he had given her more than she could have asked for. There were moments he came back, but it was all a game of push and pull. A door can never be opened if it’s being pushed and pulled at the same time.
Such a cliché it is, finding love in a best friend. Something that seems to never be a consideration and yet, it’s the most common form of love. Losing love wasn’t new to her, neither was losing a best friend. Both feelings tear one apart. Join them together, surprisingly, it glued everything back into place. It brought her to a point where she learned the true meaning of loss. It didn’t mean falling apart beyond repair, it didn’t mean going in denial of everything. It meant knowing you’re broke and still standing in front of a crowd, one that has him in it, and saying you’re okay. Saying you’ll be better. Showing them what you’d be. Something about having the world slip from under her feet, brought her to him. But to someone who’d been trying to get back up to the ground, it meant losing him. Going back into the oblivion where she got nothing but rocks and boulders breaking her down at the expense of losing the boost she got if she had stayed down.
And so, the wines due to not being able to talk properly for 6 hours, turned into the constant wrenches in the gut for months. Falling asleep to listening to him breathe, turned into sitting on a bathroom floor throwing up in the middle of the night. Waking up to his voice calling her name turned into waking up wishing there wasn’t a today. Killing every instinct to beg him to come back in hopes that he’d return to keep his promises. Avoiding every human so as to not be drawn towards him again. 3 months into not having him around, she still sat wide awake in the darkness for she knew the shadows had been too haunting to him. Part of her still believed that he’d be here. Fate is brutal. Somehow, this time, it wasn’t just anyone that she wanted around, it was only him. Leaving behind everyone in the past. Fooled by the whims in her present, if only she’d known that she’d be here again. Only this time, having pushed everyone that much far back and finding no place to go. How would she have? When he had called himself her home time and time again. Until she believed it. And then turning it into a cold barren land taking himself and his warmth away leaving a shivering, disheveled and cold structure behind there.
Trying to free herself from one failed attempt at finding acceptance and love and soaked into an all the more stranded and gullible “love”, the story of life had just started as it was put by those around her.